He was here

 My dad died.

He died November 9th, and I thought I was fine, but like crashing waves grief runs into me on a regular basis.

 

 

After his death my sister mailed me his vintage camera collection so I could sell anything I didn't want and keep what I did. I thought reaching the end of the sales process would magically cure my grief; Spoiler alert, it didn't.

My dad was in my life daily until I was around 12 and once my parents divorced I saw him but not on a steady basis. We kept in touch, but sporadically. Over the years after he remarried his wife pushed thousands of time for my dad to stay more in touch with us all...but it was always a one sided reach. I'd reach out and we'd have a great conversation, but he'd never try calling me himself. I just don't think it occurred to him to do so. 

There is one camera and one lens left to sell....the rest are all listed or already sold. The remainder shall stay with me until my passing. In researching them I keep wanting to ask him questions about the cameras; Where did he get them? What intrigued him the most about each camera? The questions just hang in midair with nowhere to go.

I really wish I knew where "He" is....where is his soul? Is it floating around us? In his house (now sold)? Is he in heaven? Did he just cease existing? I think he exists, he's everywhere and nowhere and I have no solid answers. I keep wanting to see out a psychic, but I am confident the vast majority are scammers, and even if it's real and my dad could talk through them I doubt he would. He was very religious. Although he believed in the holy ghost and miracles, why can't I get a miracle of talking to him?

I have no sense of smell and haven't since I was 19...yet I can CLEARLY smell my dad from time to time (even right now). I don't know what that means but I'd hope he's around checking on us.

He was here. I can tell what stories I know of him, I can share small wisdom he imparted on me. Through that I can shout quietly to the world "He was here"

I miss my dad